Another Appointment

So, we went into the doctor’s today for a follow-up appointment and to get blood drawn. My doctor is absolutely amazing. She offered to give me the ultrasound on the DL, so insurance doesn’t need to be involved. We got to hear the heartbeat, second time for me but first for the husband, and it was absolutely amazing. Baby is measuring two days off, but she said that is completely normal at this stage. We are measuring 9 weeks and 1 day, but I am around 9 weeks 3 days. She said everything looks great! We are ecstatic, but until I’m 13 weeks, I won’t feel 100%. We go back in 4 four weeks. I am starting to think that this is it…this may be our one! 🙂 

Updates On This Pregnancy

So, we went into the doctor today, and we finally had great news! The baby is measuring right where it should be, 8 weeks and 2 days. He/She has a heartbeat of 163, which is completely in the average range! I was ecstatic for awhile, but of course, my anxiety came back. I go in next week for genetic blood testing, and, to help with my anxiety, my doctor will perform an ultrasound on me. With my history, she understands why I’d be anxious, so she offered to monitor me a little more closely.

Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed! 

Waiting Game

These last two weeks have been nothing but stressful. AT the last ultrasound, everything was perfect – strong heartbeat and great hormones. However, a few days after the ultrasound, the stress began to hit. What if this is like the last one? The last one was going well, and then…..Wait, I am not so nauseous anymore. Do my boobs hurt anymore? Is this a sign? I wish I could stay positive, but it’s so hard. If I didn’t have my past, I would think nothing of it. However, my past seems to haunt me with every passing minute. I have this feeling, deep down inside, that things will work out this time. This will be our miracle baby, but then doubts flood in. I guess I am trying to prepare myself in case there is bad news. However, nothing can prepare you for that awful news. I went to yoga today. While I couldn’t do anything, extreme exhaustion, I enjoyed the mediation. I enjoyed the centering. I enjoyed the connection the baby. I prayed to the universe that this baby will be the one. 

My friend, a spiritual healer, told me to envision a white light coming down on me, that it’s the soul entering my body. I think of that now every day. Letting this baby soul know I am ready. I am ready to be a mom. 

Update

I’ve been MIA around here. I’ve been so incredibly sick that I’ve had no time to blog.

 

After two scares and two ultrasounds, I have an update. I am a little over 6 weeks pregnant. On Wednesday, after a scare, I went in for my second ultrasound. At this ultrasound, I heard our baby’s heartbeat, 121 beats per minute. I’ve never actually heard the heartbeat before, and it was the most precious thing I’ve heard. I got my hormone results back. My progesterone is at 57, which it’s never been so high. I go back in two weeks, and I hope that this is it. This is the baby we’ve finally been waiting for ❤ 

Constant Worry

Every hour, every minute, every second, I am constantly worried about this pregnancy. Every time I have discharge, I worry, is this signaling something bad? I rush to Google and get so many different answers. It’s a good sign! Shows that your uterus is stretching. No, it’s a sign of miscarriage. Quick, was it brown? No, was it pink? Shit, is my mind just playing games on me, or am I seeing things that aren’t there? I know that time will only tell, but I just want to know NOW. I want, for once, this to be the one. I am trying to stay positive, but the more I believe, the more I’m afraid of losing the baby. My desire is so strong to become a mother, and I am just hoping and praying that this is it. 

 

Another coworker announced their pregnancy. While I am so happy for her and her husband, a part of me breaks. Their announcement was the way my husband and I were going to announce our first, last year. We bought the stocking, had “Coming 2013” on it, and even had the pictures taken….I think that’s why I started sobbing when I saw the announcement. It was another reminder of what I don’t have. 

 

Here’s to praying and hoping this little soul will become a baby in 8 months. 

Update

Doesn’t seem like anyone reads this, but here’s an update on the current pregnancy.

I went to the bathroom on Monday during my team time. This is a 45 minute period for the teachers I work with to meet and discuss students, schedules, etc. I noticed some bleeding when I went to the bathroom, and I completely lost it. Looking back, it was very dark, so there wasn’t as much room for concern, BUT it was something I hadn’t experienced before. I broke down to one of my coworkers, and we put together a plan of action. I called my doctor, and they wanted to see me immediately. After finally getting a hold of my husband (let’s say his school SUCKS at contacting him), my coworkers took me to the doctor….

When I arrived, I was hopeful but also realistic. To my happy surprise, the ultrasound showed that everything looks good for 5 weeks. The doctor said there was no sign of bleeding and everything seemed on-track for 5 weeks. I had my hormones checked. My progesterone is at 17.1, which they are very happy with. However, due to my past, I’m taking supplements.

Here’s to staying optimistic and hopeful that the fourth time will be the one! 

Another Day filled with hope and fear

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I hope that everyone had a beautiful day celebrating the wonderful things in life. If you are anything like me, it’s sometimes hard to be thankful when dealt such sucky cards. As I sat surrounded by my family, I couldn’t help but still feel this emptiness inside of me. I am so full of wonderful things: a great husband, supportive family and friends, a steady job, a roof over my head, and of course, my fur babies. Yet, I am left yearning for more. I couldn’t help but look around and feel like something was not right. The three children I should have had surrounding me were missing. The first would have been 4 months; the second would have just been born, and the third would still be inside my pregnant belly. With my babies, I feel complete, like the purpose of my life was fulfilled. While I tried to enjoy myself, I kept focusing on those visions, and then, the hope building inside me that this current baby will actually be born healthy, and for once, I could hold him/her in my arms. 

Back to what I did…..my husband and I ate dinner at my parent’s house. We were able to visit with my brother, who is currently a resident at a hospital. Since he works crazy hours, we don’t get to see him often, so it was nice to catch up. My aunt was there as well, and we laughed the entire time. Somehow porn came into the conversations, and her lack of knowledge left room for a rip-roaring conversation!

After that, we headed to the city to spend time with my husband’s family. We were able to go shopping on Friday and Saturday, and I am happy to say I am almost done Christmas shopping! For once, I was able to find perfect presents for everyone! 

Thinking of all you, whoever you are, that may read this silly little blog. 

A Little More Information

So, who is this mysterious person behind the blog?

Profession: Well, I am an English teacher for 6th and 8th graders. Even though people think I am crazy, I absolutely LOVE my job. I always tell myself that if I’ve made an impact on one child’s life, I’ve done my job. 

Age:  27

Love Story: My husband and I met our senior year in high school. We were actually set up on a blind date, and we’ve been together ever since! 

Things I Enjoy: 

• I absolutely LOVE working out and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I used to be a runner. In fact, I ran three 1/2 marathons. Unfortunately, I had these lovely growths develop in my left foot called neuromas. Three surgeries later, I decided running isn’t worth it. From then on, I focus on incorporating strength training and HIIT routines into my daily fitness routine. I used to belong to the gym, but it became too expensive. Therefore, I built my own gym in my house, and I’ll share some great resources for others as well! 
• I am obsessed with fashion, especially shoes. You can never feel fat in shoes 🙂
• I love my fur children. I have two cats and a dog. 
• Being with real friends and my family. It’s funny how difficult times truly show who your real friends are. Cliche, I know, but it’s so true. 
• Snow! 
• Reality television. It’s an embarrassing hobby, but man, I can’t get enough of The Real Housewives! 
• Sarcasm. It’s a must. 

Location: Midwest near a big city 

 

My dog and I. It was Halloween! 

 

 

My Struggle

Hello! I am not sure how many people will actually read this blog, but I am okay with that. This blog was created for me. A place for me to deal with all that has been thrown at me in my life. If anyone decides to join this wild ride, that’s great.

I am not going to go way back. Those experiences will come out as I write. Parts of me will be revealed throughout this blog, and I am sure everyone can’t wait 😉

The reason for this blog, you ask? Well, my husband and I decided to have a human family last May. Human family?! Okay, yes, before I sound crazy, my husband and I have quite the fur family. We adopted two cats and a dog. Anyways, being the naive 26 year old at the time, I thought we would get pregnant immediately and our happy little family would be created. Yeah, not so much.

The first time we got pregnant was October 2012. I remember that day exactly. I came home from work early with a horrible headache, and something inside me told me I was pregnant. I took the test, and bam, there were two wonderful lines. I was jumping up and down and quickly called my mom. Coincidentally, my mother-in-law was there as well. Tears were shed, and we were on cloud nine. A few weeks later, I went into the doctor to get my blood work done. I left the office with every hope any new mom would have. That was crushed a few days later. The doctor informed us that my levels were low, and a miscarriage was possible. The next few weeks were absolute hell. Every week I had to go in for an ultrasound, and every week I was given hope and disappointment. We would see the sac, and the doctor would say that was a good sign. The next time, the sac wasn’t growing, and sadness completely consumed my body. Too early to tell, they would tell me. This went on for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, on November 28, the doctor put us into the “room,” and she told us the bad news. Blighted ovum. I was given two options – surgery or the pill. I was told the pill was much like a period and was the preferred method. Surgery could cause scar tissue. Well, I took the pill, and it was the WORST thing I have ever experienced. I was literally in so much pain; I withered on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t move. I was vomiting, bleeding, and, yeah….that other lovely symptom. This physical pain lasted for days, and I was so incredibly weak emotionally as well. I went back to work after a few days…things were going okay, and then I started gushing blood. Pants soaked in front of twenty two sixth graders. I felt like one of them, just getting their period. Apparently, this was a possibility with the pill they gave me. Well, at least I won’t have to do this again, I told myself.

The second time we got pregnant was in March 2013. The story I told you above basically repeated itself. This time, however, I decided to get a D and C. It was better for me physically and emotionally. The hardest part was going back to work. Being an actress for eight hours in front of teenagers is no easy feat. Well, at least I won’t have to do this again, I told myself.

The third time we got pregnant was in June 2013. Everything was different from the other two. I went into the doctor, and my levels were right on track! My progesterone levels dipped a little, so I took a supplement. Otherwise, things were great. I went in at 7 weeks, and we saw the heartbeat. I was FINALLY going to have the baby of my dreams. A few weeks later, I started having some spotting. I went into the doctor, and it was confirmed, no longer was there a heartbeat. Is this some sort of cruel joke? My doctor put my husband and I in this room for what seemed like forever. I was screaming, crying, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She told us the news that no couple should hear one time, let alone three times. We opted for a D and C again, especially since I was about ten weeks. We were referred to a specialist to see what the deal was, to see if there were any answers. Well, folks, there aren’t. My husband and I are genetically perfect. We are that 1% that just seems to have bad luck. Fucking fabulous, isn’t it?

I should mention that I don’t think I’d be here without my husband, family, and friends. I’ve not been an easy person to be around, especially with the fluctuating hormones.

Here we are again. Found I was pregnant two days ago. You know what sucks? I cannot be happy like everyone else. Everyone else jumps up and down, screaming for joy when they see that “Yes.” But, I’ve been robbed of that experience. Instead, I get filled with disappointment, terror, fear, wonder, impatience, waiting to see if this time, I’ll finally be a mother.

Starting a New Adventure

Well, the other day my husband said to me, “Why don’t you start a blog? You are always reading other people’s blogs.”

Here I am. Let’s see what happens.

Name: Susan

Age: 26

Occupation: Middle School Teacher

Loves: Working out, Eating Healthy, Tattoos, Animals, Music, Laughing, Being Adventurous, Sweating

So here we go 🙂