Another Appointment

3 Jan

So, we went into the doctor’s today for a follow-up appointment and to get blood drawn. My doctor is absolutely amazing. She offered to give me the ultrasound on the DL, so insurance doesn’t need to be involved. We got to hear the heartbeat, second time for me but first for the husband, and it was absolutely amazing. Baby is measuring two days off, but she said that is completely normal at this stage. We are measuring 9 weeks and 1 day, but I am around 9 weeks 3 days. She said everything looks great! We are ecstatic, but until I’m 13 weeks, I won’t feel 100%. We go back in 4 four weeks. I am starting to think that this is it…this may be our one! 🙂 

Updates On This Pregnancy

26 Dec

So, we went into the doctor today, and we finally had great news! The baby is measuring right where it should be, 8 weeks and 2 days. He/She has a heartbeat of 163, which is completely in the average range! I was ecstatic for awhile, but of course, my anxiety came back. I go in next week for genetic blood testing, and, to help with my anxiety, my doctor will perform an ultrasound on me. With my history, she understands why I’d be anxious, so she offered to monitor me a little more closely.

Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed! 

Waiting Game

23 Dec

These last two weeks have been nothing but stressful. AT the last ultrasound, everything was perfect – strong heartbeat and great hormones. However, a few days after the ultrasound, the stress began to hit. What if this is like the last one? The last one was going well, and then…..Wait, I am not so nauseous anymore. Do my boobs hurt anymore? Is this a sign? I wish I could stay positive, but it’s so hard. If I didn’t have my past, I would think nothing of it. However, my past seems to haunt me with every passing minute. I have this feeling, deep down inside, that things will work out this time. This will be our miracle baby, but then doubts flood in. I guess I am trying to prepare myself in case there is bad news. However, nothing can prepare you for that awful news. I went to yoga today. While I couldn’t do anything, extreme exhaustion, I enjoyed the mediation. I enjoyed the centering. I enjoyed the connection the baby. I prayed to the universe that this baby will be the one. 

My friend, a spiritual healer, told me to envision a white light coming down on me, that it’s the soul entering my body. I think of that now every day. Letting this baby soul know I am ready. I am ready to be a mom. 

Update

16 Dec

I’ve been MIA around here. I’ve been so incredibly sick that I’ve had no time to blog.

 

After two scares and two ultrasounds, I have an update. I am a little over 6 weeks pregnant. On Wednesday, after a scare, I went in for my second ultrasound. At this ultrasound, I heard our baby’s heartbeat, 121 beats per minute. I’ve never actually heard the heartbeat before, and it was the most precious thing I’ve heard. I got my hormone results back. My progesterone is at 57, which it’s never been so high. I go back in two weeks, and I hope that this is it. This is the baby we’ve finally been waiting for ❤ 

Constant Worry

6 Dec

Every hour, every minute, every second, I am constantly worried about this pregnancy. Every time I have discharge, I worry, is this signaling something bad? I rush to Google and get so many different answers. It’s a good sign! Shows that your uterus is stretching. No, it’s a sign of miscarriage. Quick, was it brown? No, was it pink? Shit, is my mind just playing games on me, or am I seeing things that aren’t there? I know that time will only tell, but I just want to know NOW. I want, for once, this to be the one. I am trying to stay positive, but the more I believe, the more I’m afraid of losing the baby. My desire is so strong to become a mother, and I am just hoping and praying that this is it. 

 

Another coworker announced their pregnancy. While I am so happy for her and her husband, a part of me breaks. Their announcement was the way my husband and I were going to announce our first, last year. We bought the stocking, had “Coming 2013” on it, and even had the pictures taken….I think that’s why I started sobbing when I saw the announcement. It was another reminder of what I don’t have. 

 

Here’s to praying and hoping this little soul will become a baby in 8 months. 

Update

4 Dec

Doesn’t seem like anyone reads this, but here’s an update on the current pregnancy.

I went to the bathroom on Monday during my team time. This is a 45 minute period for the teachers I work with to meet and discuss students, schedules, etc. I noticed some bleeding when I went to the bathroom, and I completely lost it. Looking back, it was very dark, so there wasn’t as much room for concern, BUT it was something I hadn’t experienced before. I broke down to one of my coworkers, and we put together a plan of action. I called my doctor, and they wanted to see me immediately. After finally getting a hold of my husband (let’s say his school SUCKS at contacting him), my coworkers took me to the doctor….

When I arrived, I was hopeful but also realistic. To my happy surprise, the ultrasound showed that everything looks good for 5 weeks. The doctor said there was no sign of bleeding and everything seemed on-track for 5 weeks. I had my hormones checked. My progesterone is at 17.1, which they are very happy with. However, due to my past, I’m taking supplements.

Here’s to staying optimistic and hopeful that the fourth time will be the one! 

Another Day filled with hope and fear

1 Dec

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I hope that everyone had a beautiful day celebrating the wonderful things in life. If you are anything like me, it’s sometimes hard to be thankful when dealt such sucky cards. As I sat surrounded by my family, I couldn’t help but still feel this emptiness inside of me. I am so full of wonderful things: a great husband, supportive family and friends, a steady job, a roof over my head, and of course, my fur babies. Yet, I am left yearning for more. I couldn’t help but look around and feel like something was not right. The three children I should have had surrounding me were missing. The first would have been 4 months; the second would have just been born, and the third would still be inside my pregnant belly. With my babies, I feel complete, like the purpose of my life was fulfilled. While I tried to enjoy myself, I kept focusing on those visions, and then, the hope building inside me that this current baby will actually be born healthy, and for once, I could hold him/her in my arms. 

Back to what I did…..my husband and I ate dinner at my parent’s house. We were able to visit with my brother, who is currently a resident at a hospital. Since he works crazy hours, we don’t get to see him often, so it was nice to catch up. My aunt was there as well, and we laughed the entire time. Somehow porn came into the conversations, and her lack of knowledge left room for a rip-roaring conversation!

After that, we headed to the city to spend time with my husband’s family. We were able to go shopping on Friday and Saturday, and I am happy to say I am almost done Christmas shopping! For once, I was able to find perfect presents for everyone! 

Thinking of all you, whoever you are, that may read this silly little blog.